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Single Moms Forum » New Single Moms

1. 

   TanyaMarlee
   Member

   Hello Ladies,

   Well I'm sitting here feeling kinda down because I've decided for now just to not have ANY contact with my daughter's father for at least awhile. Now I know it kind of seems selfish to me in a way, but i feel that this is the best thing i could do for myself & my daughter at this point. My daughter's father lets just say is the father that only wants his daughter when it is convient for him. When it boils down to it he maybe sees my daughter three to four times a month for a few hours each time, if I am lucky. He never calls to see how she is or texts or anything. He lives like literally two lights down from where i live, so to me there are no reasons as to why he can't ever just stop by at least for a couple minutes to see her or to see how she is doing either & let me add that i always have to call & push him to see her. When my daughter gets sick and ends up in the ER it is always only me being there for her & it literally breaks my heart because this is not the father I wanted for my daughter.So I have realized that having to deal with him that little time brings me down really bad emotionally, so to me it isnt even worth dealing with him at all. I feel that until he decides to be there like a father should be, i dont want to deal with him at all. I feel that I am the only one my daughter has so if it is him that is breaking me down from being the best person i can be for my daughter then i just need to cut him out for now. I just do not know when i will ever get used to the fact of him not being there for our daughter. Will I ever? how long did it take to get used to him not being there??

   Posted 3 years ago #
2. 

   mssinglemama
   Key Master

   I remember once calling my ex to tell him I was taking Benjamin to the ER with a 104 degree fever. He just said, "I'm busy and I'm in a meeting." Then he didn't call back - not even to see how he was doing.

   I think cutting off contact with him will make it easier for you to get over his absence as a father. You need to move on and calling him and asking him to come or arranging for their visits is a waste of your emotional energy.

   When you are strong enough you will be able to handle this stuff without blinking but right now, follow that gut and do what is best for you and in turn your daughter.

   Sounds like you are definitely making the right decision.

   Posted 3 years ago #
3. 

   kristen
   Member

   Try not to think of it as cutting him off. I had to go through something similar with my son's father and what you are doing is the right thing. His relationship with his daughter is his responsibility, not yours. You are there to facilitate it (because of her age), and when he attemps to make contact you shouldn't stand in his way. This is what I did, and surprisingly, his dad started to step up. But he still needs a reminder every once and a while.

   I tried to think about how I would explain my behaviour to my son when he is older. I am very comfortable with telling him that when his father wanted to see him I would make it happen. But that I couldn't force the relationship. The relationship that he will have with his dad in the future is a result of his father's effort. If my son is happy, his father will have to answer for it.

   When his dad gets at me for not calling or contacting him, I tell him that he is always welcome to call and make plans. If we are not already doing something we will see him. He usually wants to blame me, but I don't accept the blame. I find it to be a position of strength.

   Good luck!

   Posted 3 years ago #
4. 

   TanyaMarlee
   Member

   Thanks so much for giving me both of your opinions. I too have to hear the blame that i am the reason he does not see his daughter. He always threatens me that when my daughter grows up she will see that i am the reason he doesnt see her...that i interfere with their relationship. I just think okay i am the one always making the effort for him to see our daughter. He NEVER calls or puts the effort. I agree that it is a waste of my emotional energy...it literally drains me & honestly when i dont talk to him for a little bit...i always seem to do better overall.

   Thanks so much!!

   Tanya

   Posted 3 years ago #
5. 

   drewrabidoux
   Member

   I took 3 months off from having any contact with my ex. When he would call I would put the phone to my daughter's ear and let her babble to him (she is only 18 months!). That way I felt like I wasn't depriving her from having contact with him, but I was taking care of myself as well. The 3 months made a HUGE difference. I would have continued doing what I was doing but he threatened to get a lawyer for visitation and I got scared and caved. We speak occasionally, but only about her, and miraculously, like ms. single momma says.. I don't bat an eye. He hasn't seen her in 6 months, and now I can look at the situation and see that it's his loss, I reap all of the benefits. And he pays child support... touche!
   Some men love to use the fact that you won't talk to him as reason they don't pursue a relationship with their kids. That is why I let my daughter talk to him, so he and she (although little) could never say I cut them off from having contact.
   Hope that helps! But you really do need the time to separate for your own, and your child's well-being!
   Drew
   www.lifecoachdrew.com

   Posted 3 years ago #
6. 

   crissi
   Member

   I feel better after reading about your experiences.. I am a new single mother, and the father is not interested in seeing his daughter. He didn't want her to begin with and left me the moment we found out. It's been terribly painful, but I believe it will soon be behind me and I will be able to fully enjoy my daughter without remembering her heartless father. Do you think that is possible?? Well, yes, you already answered. Thank you.

   Posted 3 years ago #

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