my ex was never there to support me throughout my pregancy or after. we have broken up about a month ago because I just could not take it that he prefers getting drunk and socializing instead of spening time with his family. we only see him over weekeends because his business is 150km away from us and he had to move closer to his business. during the week I always hear that he was in the pubs untill midnight or even after. he won't come home if I don't basically beg him to and thinks I have no reason to complain as he had to move away to make a better living for all of us. I understand that he is alone that side but that doesn't justify his behaviour. he is not a single 20 year old but an engaged 28 year old father. He is very short tempered and has broken quite a few things in side my house but never laid a finger against me. he is a very difficult person and verbally abuses me. he doen't see anything wrong with the way he handles our relationship at all and keeps on telling me that I'm overreacting and acting crazy. I love him but know he won't change. we broke up about a month ago and it has been hell. everytime we spoke it ended in a terrible fight. I eventually decided to pull myself together and go on without him. I deserve better afterall. I told him about 2 weeks ago that I'd like as to be civilized with one another and tham I'm moving on.the past weekend he came home and said he'll do anything in his power to make this work- even drive 300km each day to be at home with us. he gave me very expensive gift and did everything right. I tried to tell him I'm not up for going through that hell again but he was very persistent and refused to leave. Now i'm feeling so confused. I'm to scared to trust him because he abandoned us when he was needed most and I basically just can't see myself with him. I don't know how to end this and if I should give him another chance. I'm so confused and unhappy..
Single Moms Forum » Divorce and Custody
How do leave and let go for good??
(6 posts)-
missy
MemberPosted 3 years ago # -
kristen
MemberI would say that you have the answer already - and you wrote it above. You deserve better. You will find the strength within you to manage without him. And if you need help, ask for it. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn.
If you don't believe in yourself enough yet, do it for your child. It is probably harder to convince yourself that this situation is good for a child, even if you are willing to accept it for yourself.
Hope that makes sense.
Posted 3 years ago # -
missy
MemberThanks Kristen. It makes absolute sense. you are right, I have to end this ASAP.
it will be better for both my boy and myself. thanks once again for your input!Posted 3 years ago # -
Lisa
MemberMissy -
There is an abuse cycle and it sounds like your ex is following it. In short the way it works is... they are abusive (verbal counts) for a while, then they become overly sweet in an attempt to make up for their less becoming behavior.
The only way to break the cycle is to leave. The abusive party is only more likely to become more abusive in time (maybe not, but that's more likely than stopping).
It sounds like you need to believe just a little more in yourself, and then you'll be set. I know it's hard because you think you can fix it, but I'm sorry but you can't. You can't make him change, and if he loved you he wouldn't have done you that way in the first place.
You and Kristen are right, you deserve better and so does your child. Besides, you don't want your child talking to you like your ex.
I had an ex that I believed loved me so much that he would never hurt me. He had no trouble damaging property, destroying lamps and other inanimate objects. He was verbally abusive for a long time before it escalated into something more. Let me tell you, it took him hurting me before I understood that his love (or whatever it was) was no match for his aggression issues.Trust your head not your heart on this one.
You are worth it!Posted 3 years ago # -
In Abused Women's Shelter's it's called "Crazy Making". check these out & google for more:
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/crazy_making.php
http://aja.ncsc.dni.us/domviol/page5.htmlIF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YET DO NOT DO IT! YOU WILL GIVE UP 50% OF YOUR RIGHTS CONCERNING YOUR CHILD. It sounds like you are in the UK, so check & be sure. But in my area an unmarried mother has FULL LEGAL CUSTODY UNTIL A COURT TAKES IT FROM HER.
In my local group of single mothers 80% or more of us have been with men like the one you are describing. Those who were married ended up worse off then those who weren't...the unmarried ones had more rights in the legal system.
Read Sam's site to understand if your 'man' is a narcisisst...you'll feel less "crazy" and regain your sanity enough to let go. Focus on you and your child...NOT his problems:
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq22.htmlI got divorced because my child didn't deserve to grow up in misery..."dad" is a term you earn...in the words of the United States Supreme Court:
PARENTAL RIGHTS DO NOT SPRING FULL-BLOWN FROM THE BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD. THEY REQUIRE RELATIONSHIPS MORE ENDURING" 441 U.S. at 397 (emphasis added). 16"BUT THE MERE EXISTENCE OF A BIOLOGICAL LINK DOES NOT MERIT EQUIVALENT CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTION. THE ACTIONS OF JUDGES NEITHER CREATE NOR SEVER GENETIC BONDS. "{T}HE IMPORTANCE OF THE FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIP, TO THE INDIVIDUALS INVOLVED AND TO THE SOCIETY, STEMS FROM THE EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS THAT DERIVE FROM THE INTIMACY OF DAILY ASSOCIATION, AND FROM THE ROLE IT PLAYS IN PROMOT{ING} A WAY OF LIFE' THROUGH THE INSTRUCTION OF CHILDREN...AS WELL AS FROM THE FACT OF BLOOD RELATIONSHIP "SMITH v. ORGANIZATION OF FOSTOR FAMILIES FOR EQUALITY AND REFORM 431 U.S. 816, 844 (1977)(quoting Wisconsin v. Yoder, 406 U.S. 205, 231-233 (1972) 17 {463 U.S. 248,262}
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION IS THAT IT OFFERS THE NATURAL FATHER (parent)AN OPPPORTUNITY THAT NO OTHER MALE (person)POSSESSES TO DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS OFFSPRING. IF HE GRASPS THAT OPORTUNITY AND ACCEPTS SOME MEASURE OF RESPONSIBILITY OF THE CHILD'S FUTURE, HE MAY ENJOY THE BLESSINGS OF THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP AND MAKE UNIQUELY VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT.18 IF HE (she) FAILS TO DO SO, THE FEDERAL CONSTITUTION WILL NOT AUTOMATICALLY COMPEL A STATE TO LISTEN TO HIS OPINION OF WHERE THE CHILD'S BEST INTERESTS LIE.
Hang tough...try my web site's "Help" section for assistance in the UK, and let me know if you need more moral support or resources...that's what I do. Best, Christina
www.iamthatiampublishing.comPosted 3 years ago # -
missy
MemberHi there Christina,
you will never realise how life changing your post has been! I always know that he must have somet type of personality disorder but never know for sure and sometimes I figured that I was the crazy one! He is most definitely a Narcissist! he as all the symptoms and it felt as if someone was talking about him on those links you send. I'm not form the UK, I'm from South Africa. I really know that I must leave him for the sake of my child. I always had a bad feeling towards him being around our baby. The problem is how do I leave now?? At the moment he is doing everything right and he is really trying his best to make this relationship work. I'm past the point of trying and do not feel the same about him. if i tell him to leave he just persists on staying and telling someone to hit the road is actually much easier when you're actually fighting. I'm scared of the way he'll react if I just leave him now out of the blue while he is dong everything right. please help me I really do want to leave!
Posted 3 years ago #
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