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Single Moms Forum » Single Mom Parenting

Boyfriend turned dad....kinda?? Help :-/

(2 posts)

  1. muzikfan17
    Member

    I'll try to keep this brief cause I'm confused and need as much advise as I can get:

    I'm 24 have an amazing 11 month old son. Father is not in picture.
    I have a boyfriend (28 yrs old) who had been around since my son was an infant.
    He has taken my son on like his own (he has no kids) and my son calls him dada. I cannot complain whatsoever in how he is as a father-he is truly amazing and loyal to us both.
    We discussed him adopting my son since he has been the only father my son has known. I recently looked into the process of adoption after we decided to start looking Into it and suddenly he has to "think about it"
    He says he wants to adopt just not now ( which was fine with me since the process takes up to a year) but his reasons were that he wants to make sure we are stable together emotionally (there have been some fights recently regarding our new house). He also threw in there that he treafs my son as if he were his own but then also says that if we had a child of our own together he would want all rights fo that child immediately.Here is where my issues lie:

    -is it ok for him to treat the 2 differently? Ie claiming he wants to be dad to my son but not be legally responsible until some unknown time all while saying if it were his kid he would want rights straight away?

    - the mother in me says he shouldn't have taken on The dad roll And had my son calling him dad if he wasn't sure (yes I know I shouldn't allowed him too either although I thought we had covered all this months ago) since my son is now calling him dad- that has the potential to hurt my child should be suddenly change his mind so do I tell him to stop until he can make a full commitment to my child?

    -the gf in me says that he is a great father and that I should just let it be and he will hopefully keep his word and be his dad no matter what-but is that too much of a gamble??

    -he says he doesnt want to raise a child in a broken home but that even if we broke up he would still want to be my sons dad which is confusing to me since he won't adopt him until we are married (which we aren't rushing) claiming we need to be more emotionally stable together.

    My feelings Are that he is punishing him and my sons relationship based off our issues. Just because my parents divorced and didn't get along didn't mean they stopped being my parents. He has been the only dad my son knows and claims he wants that no matter what, but then why is his reason for waiting on the adoption contingent on our relationship solely?

    I'm lost and having some serious worry about how to go forth. He wants to get Married and have another child but I can't stop thinking about how I feel he is being unfair and putting me in a situation where I don't know what to do...

    Please shed some light...thank you

    Posted 12 months ago #

  2. Melissa23ann
    Member

    Take a deep breath!.. :) honestly Hun, I think u should give him credit for wanting to wait on the decision. That means he really is serious about this! I think what really made him ? Things was the severity of adopting. Men think differently than we do and once things get real they tend to think of things they haven't before (child support, visitation, legal responsibilities, ect that might come into battle if u were to split up). I wouldn't push the issue because that will only push him away. Instead I would think about marraige. Possibly rethink ur willingness to stay in a relationship that "could potentially hurt ur son" by not making a comitment! If he is already talking about adoption and having a child with u than that means he has already made up his mind about marraige material! Unfortunately most men won't "relinquish their freedom" until their afraid of somebody else snatching u up! Too many woman make the mistake of allowing a man to ge complacent with having all that a wife offers with out the comitment. Perhaps think about discussing with him ur feelings in a non judgemental, non manipulative way but simply let him know that u are serious about a comitment and that perhaps u should see other ppl while he figures out what he wants. From the way u described how he is with ur son, I doubt he would treat a child that u had together noticeably differant, he is probably only concerned with the financial aspect of what it would mean if u were to break up. Might seem kind of redundant then to suggest seeing other ppl right? Trust, a man knows within 2 weeks (if he's emotionally stable) whether or not he wants to make u his wife, it's better to know now while ur son is little enough to forget if he really isn't serious about making u both his family! And would u really want to deal with the baby daddy drama if u were to break up, if that can be prevented??? U lose rights to ur child if that was to happen, think about it... Visitation, not being able to move out of state, having to discuss legal issues such as school, religion, ect with this man who isn't his biological father! The best advice I was ever given was that u can never replace the parent, even if his biological dad isn't in his life, any other man can and only should be a loving support system and a teacher to ur child! Yes he could adopt and take on the role of fatherhood but will never be his biological dad, so should he really adopt before ur even married???

    Posted 11 months ago #

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