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Single Moms Forum » Single Mom Parenting

Dating when you have your kids almost 24/7?

(6 posts)

  1. andrea
    Member

    So, I dated a guy for 3 months, so I know it is possible to date. Thing is I have a 3 year old daughter and have her almost all the time. Dad only has her 2 overnights a month (and is currently bailing on his overnight this weekend). He sees her for a few hours after work 2 nights a week too (usually) - but it is barely enough time for me to grocery shop! I guess I'm feeling a bit down because a single dad friend (okay - he's my ex that I dated for 3 months!) has recently started dating someone and it is so easy for him (and he doesn't even realize it!). He has his kids 10 nights out of the month, which leaves 20 to date - spend time getting things done - do fun social things - etc. Plus he has family in the area (I do not). When I was dating for those 3 months we never once went to a movie, or bowling, or tennis, or a bike ride, or any of the things we talked about doing because I never had enough time to do those things. We had just enough time to eat dinner, talk, and maybe get in some sex. :) I'm feeling very jealous of everyone out there who is dating because it's so easy for them, and they have opportunities to do fun things with their significant other. (Plus, oddly feeling a bit sad that he is with someone else right now....I broke up with him....just didn't think he was quite right for me at the time....argh).

    I know I could get a babysitter at night if I really wanted to spend more time with a significant other, but that too is hard for me. I went from being a stay at home mom to a full-time career mom, so I don't feel comfortable having someone else put her down at night very often, plus the expense is a lot!

    I'm writing here because I figure other people can relate. Right? How do you stop feeling bitter and angry towards all the other people who are out there having fun? (I have fun with my daughter, don't get me wrong...it's just different). I think all of this is compounded recently because I took an amazing trip to Thailand with a group of people I'd never met. It was part-volunteer, part sightseeing. I loved every minute of it and had 12 days of constant socialization with fun people around my age. But, once I arrived back home I felt completely isolated again....

    Posted 3 years ago #

  2. kristen
    Member

    i'm in the same boat, except my son's dad only sees him under supervision - my supervision. the only way i get a break is if my parents are visiting, or i hire a babysitter, which has happened ONCE.

    i have no clue how i will ever meet someone, let alone have time to spend with him.

    Posted 3 years ago #

  3. mom23inmd
    Member

    I have my 3 kids almost 24/7 as well, except for when they see their dad, which is one 24-hour period (which includes an overnight) every 3 weeks. Andrea, I was a SAHM and had to go back to work too. The time away from the kids just to pay the bills was killing me! And Kristen, I used to have to do the supervision thing for my ex too. So I know where both of you are coming from.

    I have one word: BABYSITTER! I know it's expensive, but it is worth it!! Save your money, eat popcorn for dinner every night for a month if you have to, but I am a huge proponent of getting out and doing things for yourself. I know it's hard to peel yourself away from them, especially when you already spend time away because of work, but you have to do it. It makes you a better mother. It makes you a better worker. It keeps you sane.

    If you can't afford it, see if you can swap with a neighbor. Take their kids for a sleepover night, then have them return the favor for you one night. You would be amazed at how cool it is to have your house all to yourself, even if just for one night. Or to go out on a date and not have to worry about when you need to get home.

    I don't have family nearby, so I had to get used to the thought of someone else putting the kids down for the night. It won't kill them to have one difficult night of going to sleep, if that's what it takes. But they will adapt, and thrive, and it will become no big deal. Trust me.

    Once you spend the effort/money for a babysitter to date, you'll eventually find someone who is worthy of bringing home when the kids are around. That's where I am now. My boyfriend and I dated the "going out" kind of way for a few months, then I started bringing him to the house to spend time with me and the kids. Now we see each other mostly around the kids, but I still hire sitters to go out with him occasionally.

    Look, I KNOW it's hard! It took me 3 years to make the effort to do it consistently. But believe me when I say that you cannot ignore that side of you forever. Your kids deserve to see a happy, well-rounded mom. Yes, it is depressing that we have to make such an effort just to line up a night out, when our ex's have all the freedom in the world. But don't let your reality hold you back from moving on with your life in a very positive, healthy direction.

    Posted 3 years ago #

  4. TheAzuredrake
    Member

    What time do your kids go to sleep? Do the night-time ritual with them before the babysitter comes and THEN go out. You're still the one putting them to bed, and if they don't wake up at all, they're really none the wiser and you get to go out for a bit and have a good time. You may have to adjust what you want to do on the date (although, tennis at midnight might be kinda cool!) but at least it's a date.

    Good luck!

    Posted 3 years ago #

  5. Irene
    Member

    I have been feeling the same way recently. When the father does have our daughter (one night every weekend), I spend my time alone catching up on cleaning and sleep. I don't have family or active friendships here and I've been feeling really isolated. It hit me hard Sat. when he dropped our daughter off and told me all the fun Christmas stuff they did with his gf and her 3 kids. He has a cozy little family and provides our daughter with one when he has her. I want the same thing for myself and for her!!! Even if it's just good friends who come over and hang out with us and join us on adventures. Yes, I'm resentful that he has it so easy and that he's never had to struggle to have a social life, but it's time to let that go and take control of my own life. I've been a single mom for just over a year so I'm still learning how to make mommy happy in the midst of everything. Your post helped mom23inmd. :)

    Posted 3 years ago #

  6. mom23inmd
    Member

    One more thought: for the first 2 years after my divorce, I had to supervise my ex's visits with the kids. So what that meant was that I was really a 24/7 mom.

    When he got unsupervised visits, I used to use that time to catch up on sleep and errands/chores. It seemed so much easier to do those things without the kids underfoot. Then one day I thought to myself "what in the world am I doing THAT for??". Visits with their dad create precious YOU time ... so don't waste it catching up on your to-do list or sleep! You MUST force yourself to get the house clean and the laundry done BEFORE he arrives to pick up the kids. That way, you will have 100% of that time for you ... which is really the only way you can recharge your batteries. When the kids come back, you are fresh and ready to focus on them again.

    You wouldn't pay a babysitter just so you could clean and sleep, right? ... well, ok, maybe sleep. :)

    @Irene ... I'm glad it helped. :)

    Posted 3 years ago #

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