Did you make the decision to give your child/children your last name or their father's last name?
When K was born, I'd already decided that he would have my last name and not his father's. His father was not involved when I was pregnant and has not been involved in the 4 years since Kaleb was born.
I do have some friends who began as single mothers, never married the men they had children with, but they gave their children the father's last name.
Just wondering what others have done...
adtdel
Member
I gave the kids their fathers last name, because I did not want the to be associated with my father. We live in a small town and my father made it known that he was not happy with the fact that I was having an interracial child, so I didn't want to have that come back on my child later with them having the same last name. When I had my second child I was kinda with his father and we chose to give him his fathers last name for the same reason, and because I didn't want to have one child with my last name but not the other child.
The worst thing is now that my oldest is in school, the first week I get notes home to Mrs. (Ex's last name) and then I have to call the teacher to explain that I have a different last name.
kristen
Member
The laws are such that in Ontario if you list the father on the birth certificate he has to sign it. My son's father wanted my son to have his name. I didn't. We checked the box that said that we couldn't agree on a name and he was assigned both. I actively drop his dad's last name with everything so he goes by mine. But legally he has both.
FeliciaM
Member
I hyphenated my son's last name: daddy's-mine. But it wasn't my first choice. I married early in my 20s and divorced long ago but have gone by my married name ever since. So I wasn't quite sure what to do: don't feel connected to my married name OR my maiden name. I considered giving him my maiden name, but only for a second. Like adtdel, I didn't want my son associated with my father and that side of the family (but for different reasons). I eventually decided to hyphenate: daddy's-my mom's maiden name. But our state laws wouldn't let me do that because my mom's maiden name is no where in my name. So, we settled.
G has my last name...it was something that his dad and I talked about when I first found out I was pregnant and I told him my parents were leary about me giving the baby his last name for various reasons. Well it ended up being a non issue for me because he ended up dropping off the face of the earth but he told me after G was born and he contacted us that me telling him I didn't want our baby to have his last name was me pushing him away. Anyways...I'm glad we share a last name because I know G will always be bonded to my side of the family more and even if I were to remarry and take my new husband's last name G would still feel like he was a part of a close family rather than being the odd one out.
LucidInsanity - My son's dad and I were never married, we were engaged but honestly the thought of giving my son my last name never even ran through my head. I always knew that he would have his dad's last name.
Oh and by the way my son is Caleb too. I love how you spell your son's name with a K, very cool!
Hannaheliza
Member
mommamaureen- same reasoning as mine. i never got the chance to discuss whether or not my son would take my last name or his fathers, but in the end i chose my own (it was only right). im the only parent listed on the birth certificate so why would my baby have a different last name?
and i feel the exact same way as you do. he is mine, and he is bonded to me, and if some day down the line i do get married, then we will BOTH assume a new name. me and my son together :)
although, im not a huge fan of my own last name and my ex's last name definitely sounded a bit nicer to the ear, but who cares. :)
caroltran
Member
My son has my last name as well, and like Hannaheliza, I'm the only one listed on the birth certificate. One of the best decisions ever!
I have thought about what I'd do if I were to marry in the future. I'm actually not certain if I'd take my husband's new name, just because that would mean changing my son's name to the new last name too, and I feel like this last name we currently have means so much for the both of us. Though if I were to have more children, then they would take the new last time. And that would cause two last names in the family, and I'm not sure how I feel about that either. Sorry if this makes NO sense at all. Just rambling some thoughts.
My son has two last names but I only use mine at school and so on. Down the track he can choose to use one, the other, or both. Even though we've never been with the father I thought at least his name could be in there somewhere.
My daughter has my last name. I knew her father and I weren't going to end up together, so even though he was involved off and on throughout my pregnancy, it wasn't enough for me to give her his last name. Plus, I figured it would make things complicated in the future if we had different last names.
Her father and I did talk about names for a while, and he really wanted a say in some part of her name. He actually said, "Well, give me the first name or the last name"... so I compromised on a first name that he chose. (And I was amazed at how depressed I got after I legally gave her that first name. I had one picked out already before we even discussed names, so I felt like such a pushover for compromising with him. Now, I do like her name, though, so I guess it's all OK.)
My daughter has her dad's last name because we were engaged and I was planning on taking it as my last name too. He told me it was over before we could get married. I've worked for school districts before, and I hate to think that I'll be one of those parents who doesn't have the same last name as her kid.
Oh well.
My son has his dad's. I was stupid at the time!
Now, his rights have been terminated, but my son is 8 and reluctant to have his name changed to mine. Not sure if I should pressure him to change it (gently) or just give up. Has anyone changed their child's last name?
SUCH an excellent question. I have often daydreamed about bribing Benjamin's father to get his last name changed.
I never changed my last when I got married. Because I just didn't like his last name. There was honestly no other reason. And I'm very proud of my last name... oh! and I'm kind of a feminist about it all too. It's just not fair!!!!
So yes, I've thought about changing it. Maybe a hyphenated name or changing his middle name to my last name.
Awesome topic!
I definitely kept my last name for my son.
The daddy had made no decisions at all when it came to our son and then one day told me he would have his last name...um think not.
I am so proud of myself for holding out and keeping my last name for my son. I am the one who is raising him and it seems silly to have him have another last name.
And my last name is so much cooler then the daddy's. :)
pat
Member
I gave my daugther her Dad's last name because I believed he would step up to plate and do the right thing. Six months after she was born, HE decided, he was ready to date again. Like he had just recovered from an injury! That was 11yrs ago. Haven't seen him since. I went to a lawyer to get the name changed. I didn't want her to be called by a name different than mine. The lawyer's advice was to just USE the name I wanted instead of paying hugh fees to change it. And...if I still want to change it I must ask him permission...(big thorn)..he hasn't seen her, ever supported her, in over 11 yrs and I must ask him,(when H..freezes over).Don't give your child his name if there is any question of his loyality. She has used my name since she was 9mos old.
girlwomangoddess
Member
Hannaheliza your post here completely changed my outlook my dd currently has her father's name which has never felt good but especially since he has proven to be an absent parent. I am in the middle of preparing my court docs and the name change will hopefully be approved. My dd is still young so she does not yet know her last name so it's an ideal time to make a change of name to mine.
And YES her dad's name does sounds nicer to the ear but she is bonded with my family and she is my daughter so I am HOPING to make the switch!
boarderccb
Member
I, unfortunately, made the mistake of giving my daughter his last name. Even after it took my ex 3 months to send in the birth certificate papers. SO for the first three months, she had my last name and then after it was his. My ex and I split up a year ago. My daughter has only seen him 3 or 4 times since then. He doesn't call to ask about her or to see her. In fact, we haven't heard from him in 4 months. I regret caving when he pushed for my daughter's last name to be the same as his. I'm debating doing some kind of hypenated thing or just using my last name when necessary (even though it wouldn't be legal.) I'm hestitant to go through the motions to change her last name back to mine. Eventually, I hope to remarry...and I think I'd want to take my husband's last name. We'll see....
I'm due in one month, and there has never been any doubt in my mind that my daughter would keep my last name. Even when I was swimming in delusion about a potential loving relationship between me and her father, I never even considered naming her after him. I think it's just a family preference for me - my grandpa always used to say I had to give my children my family name or it would die out.
But it's such a personal decision - I think it's about what family you want that child to relate more strongly to.
twinmom
Member
I gave my sons (yes, I am a single mama of twin boys) my last name. I debated back and forth for quite some time about what to do. I seriously considered hypenating it but never really wanted to do just their dad's last name. My decision to give them just my last name came from two major things. First, I knew I would be the only to take them to school and doctors, etc. and I liked the idea of us all having the same last name, if for nothing else to save time explaining each time it came up. Also, one night over dinner while I was still pregnant, their dad told me that "there might come a time when I don't care about you anymore and I don't care about the babies anymore" I couldn't bring myself to give them a name of someone who might decide to stop caring at some point. I knew I would ALWAYS care about them!
I gave both of my kids my last name. I felt that there wasn't really another option. I knew from the get go with both pregnancies that I was going to be by myself. I also remembered being in school and how much easier it was if you could just say that your parents had the same last name, or vice versa.
jayden
Member
I can see merit in many postings above. It can be approached from two positions, emotional and logical. Logically, the child carries the Father's last name. Now, I loosely say, this is the "traditional" method, as traditional relationships seem few and far between these days. Emotionally, you need to consider whether your child will be demeaned or harmed in carrying the Father's name. Or rather, your own negative feelings towards the situation preclude you from using the Father's name. Is it for you or for your child's benefit? In the case of a simple 'sperm donor' scenario, it may be justifiable for the child to carry your name. A clever ideas was to use the Father's last name as a middle name, and give the child your own maiden name as a last name. After all, you are validated in being proud of your own heritage and family.
As far as being called by the wrong name, as a divorced mother... get used to it. Most often, you, if not addressed by your first name, will be addressed by your child's last name. this happens routinely with coaches, teachers, physicians, etc. Don't be offended. They are linking you to your child, your pride and joy. Save the name correction for a more suitable time. Jayden
http://jaydenstorms.blogspot.com/
MADISON
Member
The last name question was very easy for me....my daughter will have my last name (she's due March 2011). Me and the father are not together....he actually pushed very hard for me to terminate the pregnancy in the beginning. So it completely makes sense no matter what to have my last name.
Plus, I have already decided that if I ever do get married in the future I will continue to keep my last name so me and my daughter will always have the same last name. If I do get married and have another child....well I think it will be a longer debate on the last name issue....though I'd love future children to have my last name as well.
gracieee
Member
I was taken to court over having my sons last name changed.
carrie010513
Member
My BF and I have not been together very long. We moved in together real fast. Too fast. He talked about marriage and having kids very early on. (Looking back, stupid me, I am 34 and I should have known better, but I thought he was the one) we tried to get pregnant. Then he left. I found out that he went back to his ex. I guess that they had not been broken up very long when we got together. Anyway, then I found out I was pregnant. He was so happy and excited about the baby. He is 41 and has no kids, but always wanted one. I have an 11 year old. To make a long story short, then he bounced back and forth between the two of us. We are together now, but I know he harbors feelings for her still. I am 32 weeks pregnant. He is living with me. I see him being in our baby’s life, but I am not so sure about him being in mine. I love him very much, but we rushed into it and I am not so sure he is the one. There has been so much hurt and he is not the person I thought he was. Plus, I know he is not over his ex. So, I am torn as to which last name to give our son. I know the name does not matter for child support or custody reasons. I am just trying to decide which name I should give our son.
You must log in to post.
